so basically, to explain what happened earlier, i called the head of the course i had applied to do at college. i applied to the two colleges nearest where i live, months ago, and received a letter from one saying they weren’t running the course anymore, and then later an email from the other (one which i attended for 1 month back in 2011) saying my application had been unsuccessful. i suspected this was because of me dropping out very early, but that was due to being very ill. so i called the college and asked if they knew why, and they said they would speak to the head of the course and get back to me, after 6 weeks, they hadn’t so i called back. they said again they would get back to me, and after another 4 weeks, they hadn’t so that lands us at today. i called up and the man i spoke to (part of the admissions team) managed to get a hold of the woman in charge of the course, and said he had emailed her through my details and that she would call me. she did. she said they get thousands of applicants for that course and only have one hundred and something spaces, which i completely understand. she told me they prioritise first timers (going to the college/that course for the first time). to this, i replied that i had been unwell and that is why i had to leave, and she said she knew this (because while i was attending they were aware i was unwell) but that i had had my chance. i told her how i found that unfair, that the fact me being unwell was the only reason i couldn’t continue. are you ready? to this she replied, “so are many other people and they managed to continue the course”. yes, i know right. during the phone call she didn’t give me much chance to speak so you will probably hear more of what she said than what i got to say. she told me over and over again how there is high demand for the course and that i had my chance. she told me how other people could make better use of the course which i cannot actually believe. these first timers are probably a majority of 17 year olds with longer than me. i didn’t get a chance to tell her what i thought of that, or even explain why i don’t believe that to be true. she repeated how others deserved it more than me, that i had my chance and blown it. i think i told her i thought it was very unfair but i couldn’t say much because 1) she was talking so much and 2) i was trying not to cry as i was in a public place alone (caitlin was at the bathroom). she said i should apply to the other colleges (mentioning the one i did apply to) so i told her i had and that they told me they weren’t running the course. not once did she say my past grades weren’t good enough or that my work i did do while there wasn’t good enough, just that i hadn’t co-operated and had extremely low attendance which once again is due to me being unwell. i was physically and emotionally able to get out of bed, i couldn’t bear to see my own parents never mind a thousand strangers, i had been cutting in the college bathroom. staying in bed was not only all i could manage, it was easiest/safest. but no. i had my chance and blown it. there wasn’t much else i could say, she wasn’t budging. but when caitlin got back from the bathroom she said she was going to call her and speak to her, tell her this wasn’t acceptable. the woman said the same to caitlin as she did to me. i had my chance, other people could make better use of the course, other people deserved it more. caitlin was trying to talk to her and reason but could barely get a word in edgeways, however with the woman saying these things about me, caitlin started crying. caitlin has been very emotional lately so that didn’t make it easier for her. but yes. caitlin was telling her i had been unwell and that it’s not fair to not let me back purely because of that. through more tears she said “this is nicola’s last chance”, in which she meant how hard it would be for me to have another year doing nothing academically. the woman said sorry (lol yeah right) but that i had my chance, other people deserved it more than i did. then because caitlin was crying she accused caitlin of emotionally blackmailing her, so caitlin hung up the phone. apparently she called my home phone not long after caitlin had hung up on her, but i wasn’t home on time to call her back. it kind of ended there, for today. i’m pretty sure she was calling back to tell us how rude caitlin had been or some shit like that. but seriously, in simple words, the only reason i am not going to be given a place there is because i was unwell before. i have said to caitlin and my parents, after getting off the phone, if i had known that would be my only chance, i never would have tried to do it that year. it hurts so much to hear her say that others will do better than me, no wait, she said that someone deserved it more than me because they would benefit more from the course. how can you say that? i am trying to get my life back on track how would helping me do that not benefit me over someone who probably just doesn’t know what they want to do with their life so chose this. when she said that others were unwell and still managed, yeah thanks i had a breakdown and failed, i fucking know, but no one mental illness is the same. the fact they coped with college just shows that they were in a “better” position than i was/had more outside support than i was getting at that time. what hurt most was to hear that people deserve it more than i do, even though i know that’s not true. it’s basically discrimination and it makes me so angry and upset and i literally don’t even know.

Posted 1 year ago with 14 Notes
#personal 
#wow this was long 
  1. pepsisweg said: Its not right to discriminate, there are things you can do like ring citizens advice bureau and things, idk message me if you like x
  2. perfectlittledancinggymnast said: I want to call this fucking woman and have WORDS with her. Make her understand what a fucking mental illness does to someone and not let HER get a word in edgewise. Ugh. I love you. I’m here for you.
  3. beyond-the-world said: That is discrimination and I think that maybe your parents ought to talk to her. Like, can’t you sue her for that or something? Second chances exist, and everybody deserves one. Specially you, baby.
  4. robynlewsley said: What college was that? That’s fucking disgraceful!!
  5. inthefandoms said: I am proud of you for trying. <3 Please look around for other colleges.
  6. graembow said: Ugh reading this made me furious! I can’t believe they would say that! The education system is so messed up its ridiculous. You could always try Glasgow colleges?
  7. pluisea said: ugh what an asshole, she won’t even give you a chance to prove yourself. fuck that, you try to do something positive and you get shot down for something in the PAST. Keep trying to get through to her, it’s so unfair <3 xx
  8. itsinthescars said: You are right, This is absolutely unfair. I really hope you find a place somewhere soon. Everyone deserves a second chance. xx
  9. hallita posted this